not now,

Y Sunday, August 20, 2006

its been a long week and so much has happened. i don't know where to start. i'm feeling down under the weather. depressed. lost. and my com is still busted. wadd de hell.

14`o8`o6, Monday.

Chee Hao and gang went to find Benjamin cause Benjamin told me that he wanted to woo me then chee hao not happy want to talk talk then one on one or something. like there were some things abt benjamin that i did not tell chee hao about it cause i duno how to tell him and i duno when was the right time to tell him and all, you see. then in the early evening, i met Vivian then i talked to her cause she won't be coming back to school, she's gong back to hong kong. then i talked to her about Benjamin. like all those things i knew about Benjamin, i told Vivian. and she told me that they were all lies.

for instance: Benjamin claimed that he and Vivian stead for about 3 months when they actually stead for less than 2 weeks. Benjamin said that Leonara wooed him and they stead for a day and leonara broke with him the next cause she liked another guy but the truth is they were together for a night cause Leonara wanted to concentrate on her studies. on th 10th and 11th and 12th of this month he asked me to stead him (but he was rejected by me in the end) and the day before the 10th, Benjamin asked Vivian for a second chance but she said no. on the 10th when we watched movie, he rest his head on my shoulder, stared at me in the threatre, put his arms around me and held 3 of my fingrs and whispred in my ears to be his girlfreind. then i told him i got stead then he said he was just joking. -.-

then after i found out about all these, i thought maybe i should let Chee Hao know. then i thought the situation was quite stable (cause no one told me anything). then i didn't know i told him at the wrong time, so Chee Hao got so fucking pissed and he broke up with me.

15`o8`o6, Tuesday

cried the whole night. eyes swollen and all. recess is stayed in class and decided to do so and hide away from Chee Hao till he graduates or something. then recess he came to find benjamin. again. cause he didn't tell Chee Hao and his friends what actually happened.then when they were retuning to class, aqilah told me not to look at the door, so i looked down on my table to TRY to study for my test. ends up secondary 3 Benjamin came into my calss and said," eh, Cristal, youu ok or not? eh, cristal. oi!" then i looked up, he said," you ok or not?" then they all left my level, laughing and i broke down and cried.

then Phyllis messaged me, saying that Puay See told her that Chee Hao wanted to find a new stead. then i silently cried during science. then classmates comforted me and sms me. after the teacher left, i broke down and cried. then my maths trainee teacher gave me the permission pass to let me wash up without me asking for it. he's a nice guy. in the end i failed my paper. maths was my master subject until Justin came. then all i did was cry.

then i got so crazy i took my pen knife and i cut myself on the flip side of the palm, not the wrist. then i met Jie Jin korr at Mcd so i could help him with his art at my place. its was ok. i told him what happened. and a 1B girl came along. i duno her name. x( cried in the night and slacked through my work.

16`08`06, Wednesday

i avoided him as much as i could. cried. cut myself. and all. then Jia Yuan jiie told me to try to msg him cause she thinks he was making me jealous. then Shu Ting jiie took my drink and drank it. she's sick so i got the virus from her. -.- then i managed to message him but he was still fucking pissed with me. and i can't remember what happened.

17`o8`06, Thursday

morning he messaged me. said he wanted to give me another chance if i don't go to school but his house instead. i dunno but i went to school. he's pissed with me. fucking pissed. then after remedial, i messaged him, saying i'm sorry and all. then he told me to call him. i did. with my phone cause i was not home yet. i was in the bus in which he wrote "I LOVE CRISTAL!" on one of the seats. i sat on the seat which i sat with him then, he was beside me on my right as i was beside the window. but that day, beside me was an empty seat. finally, i duno what happened but he forgave me cause i cried over the phone. cut myself till i my wounds bleeded and swelled.

18`o8`o6, Friday

messaged him. i was quite happy but overall, not really cause he doesn't care about me. said that his maple stead is 100% prettier than me, is gentle and kind and does not wack people like me. but they never met before lahz. everytime we talked, the only thing he ever said was to break, break and break. said that we shouldn't have patched and all.

19`o8`o6, Saturday

same as friday. but even more evil things. finally, he broke with with me. always hung up my calls, told me to buy FHM and tolded me to look at it cause the women inside are prettier than me. and i'm really sick, so is he. he can't be bothered. i'm in a lost. i told jia yuan jiie and jie jin korr cause i didn't wanted vivian to be sad. then now jie jin korr oso duno how to help me. i dunno. tmr, the 20th, vivian will be having a farewell party. chee hao suppose to go or something but he doesn't care about me now. not one bit.

o8`o5`o6 - stead
o3`o7`o6 - first break up for 2 hours
o4`o8`o6 - second break up for 26 hours cause he wanted to concentrate on his studies
o6`o8`o6 - patched
14`o8`06 - third break up
17`o8`o6 - patched
19`o8`o6 - he dumped me again

not that i'm blaming anoyone for what happened, but its all my fault. i would like to thank my classmates and friends and "relatives" who have comforted me in all ways when i was down.

bworkkenn and fallenn..

vulnerable;
Y
3:37 PM